and this is how we spent your birthday...

It was 3 minutes until midnight. As I sat outside I stared into the starry night sky. My heart was heavy as I remember at that very point 2 years before hand I was screaming and crying in pain while your Dad held my hand and the midwives tried to console me. In 2 hours and 8 minutes I would meet you for the first time. Oh how I wish it was not the last.

I stayed up late thinking that if I went to bed after your birthday had ticked over I would not feel so bad when I woke up in the morning. I sat outside and wondered "Where are you Christian?" hoping for a sign that you were with me. There was nothing but stillness. It was quite, almost silent, dark and even a little warm outside. All there was, were the twinkling stars that seemed to sparkle ever so bright.

I continued to wonder... Are you a little boy now? Or are you still a new born baby? Are you a young man? Are you older than your Dad and I or are you just a bright light with no real physical form? Do you play with other children that have left Earth too early, What do Angels look like? Do you have a best friend? What colours do you like? Do they have books in Heaven? Does Nana Lyn still carry a salt shaker around with her? Do you like the beach as much as Scarlett does? Do you hear my yearning for you?

I closed my eyes and held your pouch of stardust close to my heart. I listened. There was only silence. I tried not to cry that there was no answer from you, no answer from God, not even an Angel. As I stood up to go back inside a gust of wind surrounded me. With the wind I heard "Don't worry Mama, I'm everywhere" I exhaled with an enormous relief. I walked back inside and lit your strawberry candle. I worked on the computer for a little, I kissed your Dad on his cheek, held River for a few minutes while she slept and then hopped into bed with Scarlett.

When we woke in the morning, we were feeling as good as can be expected since we were not able to give you a big hug and a birthday day kiss. We turned on the computer and opened the first email that came through. Mel and Bill from Oregon had made us a video. It wasn't just any video but a video filled with the greatest love anyone could possibly give. As we read all the messages from friends and family around the world and admired all the images of candles lit for you. The tears spilled from our eyes. I haven't cried that much in such a long, long time. We felt so incredibly loved. I called Mel to thank her but it took a little while after she had answered for me to say anything at all. We dressed the girls in their brand new tutu's that were made with love by Adrienne in Colorado and I put on my Pearl earings for the first time.

The rest of the day was filled with cards, emails, phone calls, visitors, candles, cake, flowers, tears, laughter, hugs, a walk through the botanical gardens, photo's and of course your sunset at the beach.

Thank you Christian for opening our hearts.
Thank you for allowing us to feel real love.
Thank you for teaching us how to really give.
Thank you for inspiring us to help others.
Thank you for making our world alive.

We love you.

......... and one last thing .... Thank you for the dandelion.

"I will love the light for it shows me the way -
Yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars."