For those of you that read my personal blog, you would know that lately I have been struggling with many regrets from the days surrounding Christian's death. I wrote about these regrets sometime last week when I was at a very low point. Since then I have received so many emails from women who feel so many regrets too. I was completely overwhelmed with the response to my heart ache. I have learned that I am not alone when it comes to feeling regretful. I really feel that God has placed something special in my heart. I would love to hear what you think about it.
I had a small vision whilst talking with my Mum yesterday.
I saw a woman sitting in a room with her doctor. The doctor put his arm around the woman and told her that her baby was not going to live much longer. He told her he was sorry. He went over to his desk and pulled out a pink envelope and gave it to her. He asked her to read the letter as soon as she could and that it would help her more than she would realize in the years to follow the tragic event that was about to take place in her life.
The letter was from a woman who had lost her baby. It contained all the things she would do if she could go back to those last days that she had with her son.
She would have:
- Taken her last pregnancy photo's in a beautiful place.
- Burned a special candle in the lead up to his birth.
- Asked family members to press flowers that bloomed in their gardens on the day he was born
- Taken more photo's of him once he was born
- Had her photo taken with him
- Unwrapped him to see his whole body
- Bathed him
- Taken him outside to let the sun kiss and warm his skin.
- Allowed her family to see and hold him.
- Allowed his siblings to hold him
- Taken hand and foot prints, not just one set but two or three.
- She would have written a letter to be buried or cremated with him
- Taken footage of him.
- Have someone take photo's at his funeral and wake celebration.
At the end of the letter were places on the the Internet that could be of help and support to her in the aftermath since she may not feel strong enough to leave her house to attend group counselling. For example The MISS Foundation, Glow in the woods, Harry's Legacy, The butterfly Haven and this Memorial site.
The lady went home feeling absolutely broken and when she read the letter she felt completely overwhelmed yet she was thankful to have some guidance on how to make that time as special as possible. She would be able to make many beautiful memories with the help of her family and friends.
At the end of the day my grief maybe clouding my thoughts here. Please let me know if you think that this letter would benefit woman who are given the news that their dream will come to a terrible end. I am not asking for a bunch of lovely comments but I am asking for your honesty. Please let me know if you think this letter would have benefited you in the time that your world came crashing down. Please feel free to leave your regrets if you had any. If you don't feel comfortable leaving a comment you can email me.
If the response is mainly positive to this post my plan is to write the letter and give it out to as many doctor's surgery's, hospitals and Obstetrician rooms as possible. I will also make the letter available on here for people to download and hand out to their own doctor's surgery's. It will not just be a letter from me, but it will be a letter from baby lost mama's from all around the world. We can't stop all these babies from dying but we can help their mothers to not feel regretful. That is a gift I wish I would have been given.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. It means more to me than you could ever know.
33 Send Your Love Here:
Dearest Carly
You are amazing. When i read your regrets post i kept thinking about how what you and so many others were feeling could be turned into something positive. I had more or less the exact same idea that you had had! I just hadn't got round to emailing to tell you about it. Making some kind of resource from the heart that would help women in this situation. My baby losses were early pregnancy losses so i can't say the letter/resource idea would have helped but all of my gut instincts tell me that it would! I think it would be a wonderful gift to give. I think the challenge will be to get it distributed in such a way that it is passed on as a matter of course by doctors and hospitals and the like. I would be more than happy to have an email chat with you to try and work out how to do that....also happy to help edit or do anything else you need. Remember to take care of yourself in all of this too and not take on too much. Very excited to see where this idea goes.
With love
Sue (Love & Cherish)
Thank you Suz:) I would love to have a chat via email with you x
Oh Carly, that is beautiful. I have a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. So amazing.
Carly,
Yes, yes, yes! I think that would be a wonderful thing to do. I wish I would have had a letter like that one to read when I lost William!
You are amazing, everyone you and your family has touched knows this and now, you are given the gift to pay it forward and let others NOT have the same regrets that the rest of us have!
Thank you for being you and doing all that you do!
Much love and peace, Amy
dear carly,
i too have many regrets- many the same as yours. not taking pictures of our own with him or just of him, not looking at his whole body, not having friends and family come and see him, etc. but some of those were just too hard and/or not possible, especially in the state of shock i was in.
so honestly i think the letter is a great idea and especially for women to take with them and open when they feel ready and to know about all of the online resources out there. but also in reality there is just too much shock to do some of those things i now wish i had.
we actually did get a little booklet, (i think it was called 'when hello means goodbye') at the hospital that talked about seeing our baby and what to do and expect. i frankly couldn't even read it, i was just in way too much shock. but my husband did. and i think it helped prepare us. so i think the letter could help- either right away or when the mom is ready.
so good to transform our tragedy into a way of helping others. you are a beautiful example of this.
Carly-
I think this is a beautiful idea! I know I would have loved to have had something like this to help guide me down this path. I am overwhelmed each time I see a new babylost mama join my prenancy loss support group and just want to wrap them in my arms because I know that they are struggling. Your idea is a WONDERFUL way to help any woman going through this terrible, heartbreaking time to know that she is not alone and to help her walk down this path!
I would love to help distribute these in my area if you decide to take on this project!
Hope
I was very lucky, the hospital where my son was sent us a large box of stuff that included information like that. They really went out of their way to make sure we knew we were not alone as parents without a baby.
If this wasn't available, and all the Dr could give me was your letter, that would be enough.
The only thing I would add to your list is a lock of hair. I wish I really would have done that and had molds done of my son's hands and feet.
Wow such a response already. Thank you everyone for your honesty. I have many emails coming. People saying that they did receive this information as they were leaving the hospital. By then half of the info was too late.
I think what Aliza said is very true. We are all in a state of shock at the time. A letter with all this information maybe too much. This may work better if the letter ends up in a close family members hands. Hmmmmmmmm tricky.
We could simplify the letter. Or even make two one prior to leaving the hospital and one after hospital with all the internet information and ways to honour their baby in years to come. Sorry I am just thinking out aloud here.
Thank you to everyone who has given me their thoughts.....
My mind is buzzing!
That is such a beautiful idea, Jase asked if and we could bathe Harry and they said no, thinking they meant Jase wanted the midwife to do, apparently we could of bathed him, I wish we had bathed him, more photos, let his siblings see him, I wish I had spent so much more time with him...
A letter in an envelope is so beautiful, we got a book when your baby has died and it was such a title that I couldn't read it as I didn't want to face up to the fact that my baby had died..so an envelope a pretty envelope filled with love would be such a great idea xxx
Thanks Lou, I agree with you so much on that. When your baby has died sounds so harsh. Even though it is the gut wrenching truth.
I will make sure the wording is as peaceful and gentle as possible.
i to think its a wonderful idea, we were lucky( if you call it that) to have someone do all the thinking for us, but we still missed out on so much..its hard to look beyond that grief at the time to think about all that other stuff which will be so important further down this long journey.
hugs sharon
Carly,
I think it's a wonderful idea, I took hand and footprints of my first in the NICU but didn't really think about this last one, not enough time with her and I was just telling my husband that I wish we had those. Also taking more pics of her early on before all the extra tubes or more in the surgery room would have been great advice, I have been wanting to do something for our NICU for a long time to help support parents but since I lost my baby so recently they want me to wait a bit longer, a letter like this would be so perfect.
Carly,
It will help, I have seen it help others. When I delivered my girls in 9/2007 it was a weird situation. One was stillborn, the other lived for 11 days in the NICU. The nurses handed me a bag of "stuff" and said I am sure you don't feel like reading this right now, but its books, etc. Of course I did not feel like nor have the time to read through a bunch of grieving material, I was in shock, and had another infant in the NICU. I am fortunate that my husband and I took a lot of photos of both our girls, I must admit that at times it felt weird, as its not exactly custom to take photos of the dead. Anyway after we buried our second daughter, a few weeks later, I pulled out the books and began reading... it was all to late though. Through our hospital we have a support group called HUGS, which meets monthly on infant, preg., etc. loss. Anyways I suggested that the nurses who run this, should put something together that would give bereaved parents ideas of things they will want to have. They thought it was a great idea and suggested that I do it. Of course I did, I started it out as a short letter to the bereaved parents, and then listed things I had done and things I WISH I would have. I put on their is that my wish would be that no other parents would have regrets. The hospital printed them out, and they now hand it to parents who have just lost a child. Since then new parents have come to the group and not knowing I am the one who wrote it yet, as they are new and don't know me, they begin talking about how grateful they are for this handout, and how without that they never would have done 1/2 of those things. They are truely thankful! And I feel happy that while I have regrets others will not. If your interested I could share with you what I wrote. HUGS, and great idea!
Dear Sharon, It is so hard to look beyond that grief isn't it. I think that is the main obstacle here.
Tracy, It makes me happy to think that you think this idea would help others. If you want to print this letter out once it is finally written that would be so great. You need to take some time for yourself first. You need to heal at least a little before you can help others :)
The Braggs, I can imagine how good you must have felt to hear people say how helpful your letter was! Wow that is just so beautiful! If you have a hard copy of the letter I would love to see it :)
I am feeling really hopeful about this idea now :) Thank you ladies :)
Carly, what a beautiful idea. I too have thought of how I could help other momma's going through this tragedy. I think the letter is a perfect idea. How I wish I had a letter like that! I would have taken more pictures - contacted a professional from NILMDTS, made sure I was presentable for the pictures.. I didn't even get one of my husband and I together with Dresden - that really bothers me. I would have unwrapped him too, but I was afraid to since his skin was so delicate.. but these are all things you CAN NOT do later, so I think the letter is an amazing idea and I would love to share it with other hospitals in my own area. THANK YOU for everything you do Carly!
Carly, I think the letter is a GREAT idea. I have many regrets about what we didn't do when we lost our Doodles. I regret not holding our baby boy while he was alive (our girl was born still). I regret not holding them longer, or getting pictures of us holding them. I regret not getting our own pictures rather than just those the hospital took. I regret not having some sort of clothing or blanket to make theirs and to keep with me. I regret not naming them immediately and choosing to have them cremated so we could bring them home (although we were able to correct these regrets, I'm sure many aren't).
Thanks you so much.
Carly,
The letter is a wonderful idea. I wish that I would have been given something like that during the hours that my son was away at another hospital. To be ready and to do those things that I regret doing. I will always regret not having my best friend and closest thing to a sister come. I was in the mind frame that I could do it on my own. I wish that we could have shared that cry together. I also regret not getting pics done by someone else and having pictures of just Ben and me together. I also want now (7 years after the fact) moldings of his hands and feet. I wish that I had more than the footprint. I am greatful for the pictures that I do have and the time we did have with him. THANK YOU for letting all us mom's know we are not the only ones in this group that is not so fun. There are others out there and that is a comfort in and of itself.
Yes, it will help. I have lost two babies, Freyja, who was stillborn, and Kees, who lived for seven weeks before unexpectedly dying. We knew what to expect and what to do when Kees died, because we'd experienced it before. But when Freyja died we missed out on so much -- we missed creating memories - which I will always regret. I never had any regrets in my life until my babies died. Now I regret so many many things. If this letter can help women by at least giving them ideas to think about at a time when thinking is difficult if not impossible, then it will be a good thing.
Mirne
Oh, the things I would have done different if I would have had this letter. I think that it would be a wonderful thing!
Quinn Thomas' mom, Erin
Yes Carly, it's something that also eats away at me. I have no photo's of Catharine, not even ultrasound ones. How many times I have muttered 'If only...'
If only there were little outfits that fit her (there are now because of Treasured Babies), we had held her for longer and my BIGGEST regret is that I never placed my lips on her tiny little head and kissed her as a mother should because of how fragile she was.
I could think of more but now that I have admitted that, I am too emotional.
XX
Erica, Geelong
Shannon, I know what you mean about being afraid as his skin was so fragile. It would be so nice if you could help out :)
Busted, I wish I had of taken my baby's blanket home too. I remember reading on Glow what happened with Noah and Talia. I was relieved when I read that you had them back. Who deserves to go through that. What matters now is that they are where they should be and they have beautiful, beautiful names.
Alicia, I regret not having photo's of Sam, Christian and I together too. I long for a photo like that and to know now that it is just too late and I will never have it just breaks me. Thank you for your thoughts.
Mirne,
Thank you for your thoughts. Two little babies. I'm so sorry. I wish you didn't feel such regrets. You are not alone, Thank you for letting me know about them.
Erin,
We will write this letter and it will be from all of us mamas spread throughout out the world.
Erica,
I am so sorry that this has put you in a dark place. I regret with you. I wish I could bring her back so that you could give her your kiss. I am so so sorry that you do not have any photo's of her. That is just the worst. I wish I could change all of this for you.
You are not alone Erica.
Thank you ladies, so much
Carly,
I wish something like that was available to me. I regret so much every day I didnt spend more time with Tadgh, I regret almost everything that was written. Eats me up inside sometimes thinking I wish i did more. Deep down though I know i love my little boy more than anything in the world and somehow I know he knows. I think that will be a fantastic idea sending that to hospitals and dr's rooms.
I was very much in the dark when Tadgh said hello and goodbye, i didnt know what I could do and what was ok. I was very confused, no one really explained it is normal to want to do these things.
I am 18 wks pregnant with baby number 2 so I am crossing my fingers this time round, hopfully my little angel is watching over bubs.
Keep up the great work carly :)
xxx
Keelin
Dear Keelin,
First off I want to wish you all the best for this pregnancy. I know how nervous you must be. If I remember correctly you are from perth too. I think our little boys may have been born in the same hospital. I too know that my little boy loves me. I am just sad for myself. Thank you for stopping in :) It was lovely to hear from you.
xxx
Regrets are so tough, we are so hard on ourselves aren't we? I regret not carrying James to full-term, I was encouraged not to but I wish I would have given myself more time to make decisions, I regret not giving him a bath, I regret not letting his siblings see him, I regret not taking one single picture of myself pregnant, I regret not taking a shower and putting make up because I hate all the pictures of myself with him! I think the letter is a beautiful idea and I would for sure share it and pass it along.
I think your idea is perfect and I know it will help mothers and their families so much. Thankyou.
I experienced a lot of regret after being with one of my closest friends and her husband when their baby boy was stillborn last year on August 31. I held him for maybe half an hour while his daddy went to talk to his family, and his mummy said she was so tired and held her precious baby out to me to take. I just sat holding him, watching him, willing him to start breathing, until a midwife came and took him away to be weighed and measured. The one thing I regret though, is that while I took lots of photos of him with his parents and with his daddy's best friend, I don't have any photos of myself with him. Even now, after months of flashbacks and reliving the entire experience and doing my best to "move on" for complete lack of better words, (maybe "keep going"?) whenever I think about not having any photographic proof that I was there, that I held him, that I was sad... it crushes my heart like I never would have thought possible 5 months ago.
So yes, your letter will be a blessing and hopefully be a gentle suggestion that will spare many the pain and sadness of regret.
Dear Michelle,
I'm so sorry that you felt pressured. I am so sorry for the regret you have in your heart. Thank you for sharing with me. Thank you so much. x
Glassheart,
I especially want to thank you. This doesnt just effect the mother. Wow I am so sorry for the pain that you feel. I want to thank you for being there for your dear friend in what would have been the hardest time in her life. I wish there were more friends out there like you. Thank you so much for sharing your heart here. I really appreciate it. I pray for the mending of your heart and of course your friend and her family.
xxx
Carly,
I would first like to thank you for this wonderful gift you have given me...writing my childrens names means so much to me. You are a true living Angel.
I think having a letter would be SO helpful. I recently lost my triplets. my 1st was stillborn at 22 weeks. I got to spend over 12 hours with Raiden. we took some pictures and got hand and feet prints. But I wish we had gotten so many more.
My other two were born at 25weeks. Ryker lived 10 days and Gwyn 18. I did not know what I wanted or needed at the time. The NICU nurses handed me a bag full of things. I didn't have the energy to realize what I got. Now looking back I realized I never got Gwyns hand prints. I wish I had taken more pictures. I have a lot of their belongings, but when I look back there are so many other things I wish I had gotten.
The hospital gave me booklets, but I didn't look at them until later. A letter that was easy to read would have been so much nicer.
I also never received any funeral information, I had no clue how to plan our babies funeral...
Thanks again What you do is truly amazing.
Cathi
www.havingtriplets.blogspot.com
Carly,
Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I didn't read your post regrets but read the posting you made on the letter. I did several of those things without even thinking about it.
- My husband used his camera phone (only camera with us as our delivery was 10 mins after leaving the doctor's office, and was suppose to be for blood work not for a delivery) so the only pics we have are from his phone. I did undress her and we got a photo of her full length, I wanted to remember my daughter's every feature.
-my mom and a few friends came and got to see her. My mom got to hold her even.
-we had only the hospital footprints, but at least it was something
-I did bury a letter with my baby girl
-my husband took a picture of Rebekah's casket prior to it being placed in the ground, we had the flowers we bought for the funeral next to the casket on the table.
One thing to place on that letter is about Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. It's a wonderful group of photographers that volunteer to go to the hospital to do a photo session for the parents of their precious little one that is 24 weeks or older. (US based, think overseas they are trying to do similar) My husband volunteered to do this about 2 yrs ago after we had lost our daughter almost 4 yrs ago. He has so far done 2 sessions and every time I get to see the finished slideshow he does, I can't help but be a ball of tears. His last shoot was just after the New Year and for a baby that was about 34 weeks gestation and who the parents already knew wasn't going to make it as she only had half her skull. She was a miracle anyway in that she was also a Snowflake baby (she was a 7 yr old frozen embryo) These parents gave her a chance and I got to see the slideshow last night finally and couldn't help but cry at the sight of this beautiful baby (her head was wrapped) and the love these parents and family members had for her. When my husband finished the shoot the baby's heart was still beating at 120. So just sitting watching this slideshow knowing that just a few hours later this precious baby was going to Heaven, just broke my heart, but also I thought what a great memory these parents will have of their beautiful Grace.
Thank you Ericka and Cathi,
Thank you for taking the time to send me all your thoughts and information :)
I lost my twin sons 22 years ago. I found out two weeks before my due date that my one son had died in utero and that my other son would probably not make it. I would have definately benefited from that letter. I was so griefstricken that I did not even have a funeral or memorial. 22 years later I am still overwhelmed and griefstricken. I am just now dealing with my feelings since I found your site. One thing that I did do was share my sons with my daughter that was born 4 years later. She is 18 and still talks about her brothers and wishes she had met them. I did not take pictures of them and I really regret that. I so admire you for what you are doing. You are turning your grief into something positive and helping others. That is amazing. I have to tell you that since I found your site, I have finally been able to acknowledge my grief and almost feel like a hole in my heart has been healed. I have felt so alone for 22 years!!!
Although I knew my son was going to die, I still have some regrets. But I give myself grace, because really, I did the best I could at the time. I believe all of us do. Yet, I find the letter you propose to be a wonderful idea. Honestly, it depends on if the hospital ward, nurses, doctors will accept them and use them. Our local hospital is very sensitive to the women who lose their babies and provide many things to help make memories. I think I will write something down and see if our grief coordinator will use it.
If a person can afford it, donating the casts for feet and hands or a special blanket--anything material--would be an added bonus. We can offer sensitive ideas, but if they don't have the means to travel and buy the items, it may make things harder on them instead of benefit them. jmo.
yes, I never took a photo of me pregnant I never did a lot of those things, yes. That would be amazing. Let me know if you need help here in the US.
www.mawfam.blogspot.com
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